


bury your fingers in the warm soil (and let the ground speak to you)

by bellofthetolppl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bellamy speaks Tagalog, F/M, Filipino Bellamy Blake, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Post-Season/Series 02, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, bellamy is captured in mount weather and tortured, but leaves before she even finds out he was hurt, clarke still destroys it, following the events of season 2 episode 16, now she comes back and angst ensues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23097052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellofthetolppl/pseuds/bellofthetolppl
Summary: Post season 2 fic where Bellamy gets caught and tortured in Mount Weather and Clarke has to destroy the mountain alone, except, she never finds out how badly he's hurt. She pulls the lever with the help of Raven, opens the big metal door and tells Abby she has to leave. Only later to Octavia and Kane find Bellamy, barely alive.Now three months later, Clarke comes back.Angst and feelings ensue.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 113





	bury your fingers in the warm soil (and let the ground speak to you)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The Tagalog translation was kindly done by [Lea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fl_eurydice). I'd usually put the English version in a foot note but since the fic is so long I decided to explain the meaning in brackets.  
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated!
> 
> You can also find me on Tumblr @ [jasperjoordan](https://jasperjoordan.tumblr.com/)

Bellamy buried his fingers in the warm soil and closed his eyes for a moment, just relishing in the feeling of the sun grazing his face and his fingers getting wet.

He smiled, breathed in and out and tried to calm down his raging anxious heart, which had become a struggle as of the last few months.

His weaker leg gave in a little under him and he tilted to the side, losing his balance, which in turn forced him to move his hand away to steady his body from completely tumbling to the ground.

“How are the tomatoes?” Monty’s voice came from behind but didn’t surprise him.

He’d heard him even though his steps were softer on the wet ground of the crops field.

He never really let his guard down these days.

He turned around and squeezed his eyes because of the sun rays landing directly in his view.

Still, his friend’s figure soon came to cover the bright yellow star and he saw his tired face.

They’ve been working here all afternoon but divided, Monty taking care of the corn and the wheat whereas Bellamy opted for watering the tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers.

It’s hard for him to believe that it’s been a month since Abby let him leave medbay, three months since he came out of Mount Weather on a stretcher, barely alive, yet just a few weeks since both he joined Monty in helping him with the crops but so much was changing all around him and for once he took it like magic, the miracles of nature, growing up from something as small as a seed, _coming out tall, giving fruit, until inevitably died in the fall._

Bellamy gives him a light nod and his friend smiles in return, knowing he shouldn’t expect anything else but being content with it as it was.

“I saw Octavia on her way here, so maybe we should get you on your feet before she comes.”

Bellamy furrows his eyebrows in a quiet scoff that makes Monty shake his head as he grabs his hand and helps him stand up.

His sister has grown overprotective in the past few months and he knew that if the situations were reversed, he would never let her out of her sight but after weeks of her spending every hour with him in medbay, sleeping in a chair after every one of his surgeries and helping him with physical therapy, he finally had enough and though he barely used his voice anymore and when he did it sounded too hoarse and quiet for anyone to hear, he pulled her into his room and told her she had to stop.

She did.

Or at least tried to.

But she refused to leave him alone for too long.

“Hey, big brother.”

“Damn, she’s fast.” Monty huffs when he lets go of Bellamy who stumbles a bit on his feet and feels his sister’s hand on his elbow, reaching to steady him even if she can feel the shiver that runs down him at the touch alone.

“You good?” he nods with a tight smile, using her support to bend his knee a few times before the feeling returns to it and he can finally use it for its real purpose.

When she meets her eyes he sees the never ending worry that was always present whenever she was around him so he’s quick to avert his eyes.

“Spend the entire day here again?” he shrugs and she opens her mouth to argue with him but he throws her a look and she sighs, reaching closer to him and looping her hand on his waist to help support him. “Come on, let’s get you something for dinner. Harper told me you missed lunch again.”

He can’t help his groan at that and it’s her turn to give him a dirty look.

“I’m not hungry.” he whispers near her ear.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard the speech.” she waves her hand in annoyance “Do you need me to-” she gestures at their bodies leaning on each other but he shakes his head again and untangles himself from her.

It takes her everything not to reach for him when he stumbles once he starts walking but leaves him be as she knew this was what he wanted.

She watches him limp down the path back towards the center of the camp and follows closely by.

For a moment she closes her eyes and she sees the old him- _his big bulky figure dressed in a black guard jacket, guns strapped to his leg and waist, a rifle hanging from his shoulder, his broad back marked with muscles from the hard work around camp, his hands holding the game he caught with the others tightly by a rope._

Yet when she opens her eyes her face falters and her dream disappears.

All she sees is his slim hunched figure, dressed in a long-sleeved shirt too big for him so it’d cover his scars he was so self-conscious about, his hands trembling, from the shoulder all the way down to his fingers, his legs too weak and slim to carry him, his right one buckling under with every step he took.

His hair longer and messy, a beard covering his cheeks and chin, again, to hide the big jagged incision that Tsing made on the side of his face.

She still bawls her hands in fists when she thinks about the Mountain and every night before she sends him off to bed and watches him stumble to his room-all alone and barely moving because of the pain in his entire body, she mentally went through her list of names of the people who hurt him that she wanted to kill- _Cage, Tsing, Wallace, Lexa_ …and then the one who send him there in the first place, the one who was supposed to keep them all save but bolted after melting the mountain and the people in it, the one who was one of them before but was a stranger now, a myth, _**Clarke Griffin.**_

The thing that pissed her off even more than everything else is that the princess never knew what happened to him.

When they found out he’d been compromised and caught, they assumed he’d be tortured but they had no idea what exactly was going on. They waited too much, _Clarke_ waited too long, wasting time in politics with Lexa who in the end betrayed them and by the time she went in there with Raven, just the two of them, and they reprogrammed the computers so that they could irradiate the Mountain, her brother was on the brink of death.

The last Octavia saw of her was when she opened the doors to let the Skaikru soldiers and guards inside, so they could free the others.

She had caught her mom’s wrist before Abby made it in there and pulled her aside.

By the time Octavia had made it back outside with the others, she was gone and she had been too busy worrying over the fact that they couldn’t find Bellamy to think about her.

_He was the last to come out._

Octavia was helping the delinquents come back to safety outside when Kane stumbled to the doors and yelled at Abby and her to come.

He was in the lower levels, in something like a lab, lying on a cold metal table, his head slumped lifelessly, his arm hanging off.

Chest bare and covered in open cuts, no…wounds really as they found out, drills left open for days and as Abby realized later, already infected, his face half covered in blood and a gaping wound at the back of his head that maybe was one last attempt at taking him out before they were found.

Tsing, Kane assumed, judging by the slumped radiated body in the corner and the metal pipe rolling at her feet.

Octavia had thought he was dead-he wasn’t white, he was blue and she had cried out and slumped on the floor before Abby, who rushed there, put her fingers on his neck and found a trump-weak and just barely there, but…present.

She had pressed her ear to his chest and when she heard his slow heart beat she winced and immediately got to work.

“We need to get him out, now!” she told Kane and Octavia who had quickly jumped to their feet and helped move him up.

She had tried calling him, bringing him back to consciousness but he was so weak and had lost so much blood, he couldn’t come back.

Once outside, they put him on a stretcher and Abby called Jackson who came after making sure there weren’t any serious injuries, to help her.

They were working so frantically Octavia barely knew what was going on but they quickly roped her into handing them bandages and antiseptic, moonshine and shots to clean his wounds with.

There were too many things to take care of and they couldn’t stitch everything out in the open, so they settled for the worst ones-wrapped his head and his chest but then when they got to his legs they found he’d been drilled more than twice and left the wounds open to fester and get infected.

Once they rolled him over they found his back blue like Raven’s was when she was hit with Murphy’s bullet and it took one look at Abby and Jackson’s faces for her squeeze her eyes shut in fear.

“Is he going to walk?”

“Right now the question is _will he live_ ” Abby had whispered worriedly “I don’t know if he’ll survive the eight hour walk back home.”

“We’ll have to stop.” Jackson said, meeting her eyes.

“We shouldn’t slow the others down. The rest of the kids still need to get to camp before they freeze to death.” Abby determines “I’ll stay with him. Kane, you and Octavia can carry him. We’ll need to stop at least every hour so I can make sure he’s-” she chokes on the words but they all knew the end of that sentence.

“I’ll ask for two guards”

“No” Octavia shook her head and stood up “I’ll take care of this.”

She had come back with Lincoln and Miller at her side and they both accepted the guns Kane had handed them before he and Octavia picked Bellamy’s stretcher up in the air and started moving.

Lincoln was by her side and Miller by Kane’s while Abby remained either walking ahead making sure everything’s clear and they’re still going the right path or near Bellamy, his wrist in her hand, checking his pulse constantly.

Every time she reached for her brother, Octavia winced afraid that Abby will find nothing there and she finally, after all these years, came to understand some of the fear Bellamy must’ve gone through when she was a kid and he was afraid she’d be found out.

It was crushing-knowing your closest person, your sibling, could be gone.

She wasn’t sure what she’d do or feel if he truly was.

Abby’s previous estimates that they’d need to stop every hour were switched to every half hour because of Bellamy’s shallow breathing or the blood seeping from one of his wounds from the movement.

They tried to be as careful as they could but they could only do so much on an uneven terrain.

He woke up once when they were nearing camp but he was so weak and tired that it was just for a second in which Abby tried to tell him he’s safe and they got him, not that Octavia thought he could let the words sink down.

Once they saw Arkadia before them, Octavia had let the heaviest of breaths but she was wrong to think this would be the end of it.

Bellamy went through two surgeries just the first night-first to patch up everything wrong with him-his head, the spinal taps and bone marrow wounds and then again when he started coughing blood and they found out he had internal bleeding too.

His heart stopped during the second one but Abby and her relentless stubbornness alone, brought him back while Octavia spend the hours curled up on the floor outside the surgical room, Lincoln’s arm looped around her, praying that he makes it.

She thought back then that him being asleep for days after is the most horrible thing in the world-he was lying there as lifelessly and as palely as he had when they first found him except now he was hooked to a bunch of machines measuring his vitals as well as various medications trying to fight off the infections.

_But she was wrong._

It was much worse when he had woken up because he had no idea where he was.

He had struggled, tried to fight Abby and Jackson, thinking they want to hurt him.

It took everything, and mostly Octavia jumping in and taking his wrists to convince him this was home and he’s safe.

When he had realized it, he had broken.

He was free, but he was just so barely alive and he was so sad, even then, and numb, like nothing mattered at all-not the pain coursing through his body or the nightmares plaguing him every time he tried to rest.

Abby could only give him so many painkillers in his weakened state, afraid she’ll cause his heart to stop again.

When they asked him about it he said they sedated him a lot but only after they were done taking what they needed.

With time, as the days passed by and the delinquents stopped by the hallway to talk to Octavia or Abby, or even spent a few minutes with Bellamy, as much as he dreaded it, they found out that he had tried to protect them, keep them safe. Offer himself for every experiment they needed as long as they were left alone.

It worked only halfways since the delinquents were still drilled for bone marrow and some even died but it was clear that they took Bellamy on as a lab rat.

Not only that, but the guards were often let in his room to take their revenge on him for killing Lovejoy on the way to the cell they kept him in.

They managed to take that much out of Bellamy when he was still high on the anesthesia after his surgeries, otherwise he refused to talk.

Moreover…they found out just a few days in that he couldn’t.

Whatever they had done, however they had tortured him, they always made sure to have a metal collar pulling at his neck at all times.

Eventually it hurt his throat so badly, his vocal cords were injured and he spoke in whispers at first, then with time talked but his voice came out hoarse and deep as a rattle of his lungs, nothing like the strong loud one that used to give the delinquents motivational speeches.

When they had first tried to test the mobility in his legs, he couldn’t move his right at all which should’ve scared him more than he showed, whilst his left had some feeling, even if not too great.

With time, the swelling in his back went away but the area around his right knee and down to his feet was always numb and his feeling there limited.

Abby insisted on him wearing crutches which he was ready to ditch two days later and if it wasn’t for Octavia’s persistence he would’ve, then later on, Sinclair and Raven fashioned a brace for him which again, he refused to wear.

He kept saying he’s okay, that he can walk without it, that it wasn’t as bad as Raven’s, but he was in pain and by the time the day was through, he was barely standing.

Just like now, Octavia thought as they neared the campus and he tried to make a swift turn for the Ark wreckage and towards his room.

“No,no, don’t you think about it, brother.” she cut him off, wrapping her hand around his elbow and changing their direction to the mess hall instead.

She has no idea how much she was going to regret this later.

“I’m not-”

“I don’t want to hear it.” she cuts him off as she directs him to their usual table and practically forces him to sit down with Jasper who was already drunk and barely stood on the bench and Harper who was keeping a worried eye on him.

Miller soon joined Bellamy’s other side with his own tray and welcomed his friend with a groan instead of hello which made Bellamy smile a little.

“You two are the grumpiest people in the world, I swear.” Harper huffed as she dug into her soup but she must’ve not been feeling much like eating either because she dropped it back down after a few bites.

Bellamy threw her a worried glance whilst Miller was already stuffing himself like a pig next to him, inhaling his food like his life depended on it.

“You okay?” Bellamy asks her in barely a whisper and she gives him her usual soft but fake smile. Like him, she was also drilled for marrow and though it wasn’t in the extent that he was, it really left an effect on her.

She had nightmares just like him and the rest of the kids, who didn’t these days, but whilst Bellamy dealt with it by going to the crops even if it was the middle of the night, she woke Miller and made him spar with her in the training room until they were both panting sweaty messes.

“I’m good, Bell.” Harper promises and reaches to briefly squeeze his hand on the table.

Her smile this time is genuine but he can see the dark circles on her face and still worry.

How he found it in him to feel bad for them when he was barely walking every day was beyond the delinquents yet he never stopped asking.

Even when he barely talked, in the evening when Octavia dragged him here, he would ask whoever’s around how they’re doing, or push a plate in their hands or maybe some bread or some water.

_He noticed. He always did._

Though he barely handled his own pain he knew who was skipping meals, who couldn’t sleep at night, who didn’t hydrate enough, who overworked, who went outside the walls to hunt and hated sleeping inside the Ark.

He’d try to fix it moving around camp like a ghost-as if he was never there yet they always knew it was him.

He’d prod Abby to fix the guard shifts so Miller took nights off every now and again while she was checking him up, praying on her pity towards him as much as he hated it.

He’d let Kane help him bring water to the crops just to ask him for some more secluded rooms for the delinquents where they’d be comfortable or even a few tents for them to use in the summer and have their own little corner in camp where they huddled around.

_He still took care of them despite barely being able to take care of himself._

“Here” Octavia had just arrived once more carrying a tray of soup with her identical to Harper’s one.

The groan that escapes Bellamy’s lips makes the rest of the delinquents laugh, even Jasper who’s coming down from his drunken stupor and leaning on Bellamy’s right side like a little kid searching for his mom’s warm embrace.

“I’ll tell you what” Harper lifts up her spoon “If you eat yours I’ll finish mine.”

Of course that’s the perfect tactic and Octavia smiles gratefully at Harper for coming up with it.

Bellamy would never do anything for himself unless it benefited someone else, so with a resigned face he picks up his spoon and starts eating.

Meanwhile the chatter around the table resumes and O takes the cup full of warm water she brought with her to the table and brings out a small satchel full of herbs from her belt.

When Bellamy sees it, his face falls even more because he knows what it is and for a moment Octavia can see how he looked like before she was born-all bright sad eyes and freckles peppering his cheek making his face even more pleading than the curls covering his forehead and his pursed lips did.

“Giving me the puppy eyes won’t work, Bell. I know you’re in pain.” she puts a couple of pinches from the satchel and stirs the concoction with the handle of her spoon.

Since Abby was limited in terms of pain medications and afraid to give him too much regularly as it simply wouldn’t work because his body had a high threshold for drugs after the mountains, they resided to Grounder medicine.

Lincoln knew the right herbs they could use to dull the throbbing pain in his bones but also help prevent any future infections.

Considering he had another one just two weeks ago, he had to drink this but he sill fought her on it every night.

Quite frankly, it was getting exhausting.

But the fact that he wouldn’t give up fighting her was also good.

He had that fire in him, that stubbornness which meant he was alive and he was willing to push forward.

After he first woke up in medbay Octavia had been most afraid from the realization that he let Abby and Jackson do whatever they wanted to him without any fuss whatsoever-he would let them prod him with needles, open him up without pain meds as they had none to spare anymore or reside to strapping his legs and wrists at night because he would toss and turn when he had nightmares and he needed his wounds and mostly his back and legs to heal.

**_It scared her._ **

The empty look in his eyes, the lack of fight there.

He didn’t care what they did.

At some point back in the mountain something inside him has broken and it only came back weeks later when he first stood on his feet and took a walk around medbay, finding some of the delinquents still there recovering.

_It was then that something in him switched._

He didn’t talk what it was exactly but Octavia knew her brother’s motivation to do anything always came down to one thing and one thing only-protecting those he loved.

And somewhere along the way the hundred or whatever was left of them now had taken residence in his heart and wouldn’t leave.

_**For them**_ , he was willing to fight.

What still bothered her was that he refused to do it _**for himself**._

And she was afraid he never will. There was one person in the world who ever let him see himself for who he is-a person on his own with his own wishes and desires, who had the right to want things for himself.

And that person was now gone.

When Octavia pushes the cup in his direction, he dramatically pinches his nose with two fingers and drinks half of it in one go before resuming to his soup which he consumed even less willingly.

“I was thinking we should all go to the river some time this week.” Harper announced chippery and beside her both Miller and Jasper, who’s still leaning on Bellamy’s side, groan.

“The enthusiasm” Octavia smiles cutting into her steak “Gotta love the cheerfulness coming from you guys.”

“It’s just water. Cold fucking water. I don’t know what you see in it.” Jasper comments slurring his words and Bellamy stops eating in favor of helping him take a few sips down from a cup full of water.

There was something so gentle in the way he did it, like a father taking care of his sick child, picking up his chin gently and lifting the cup carefully to his lips.

Jasper still lets some of it spill on his chin so Bellamy brushes it away with his sleeve and helps him adjust his head back on his shoulder while he grumpily picks his spoon again, eyeing Harper who had abandoned her meal temporarily too and refusing to remove his eyes until she started eating again.

“We’ll have fun and god knows you need a shower.” Harper tries “Maybe Monty and you can finally pick up those flowers you wanted to try and plant back home” she casually adds because she knows Bellamy needs an incentive too and in the end, this, despite everything, will still be his decision.

He contemplates a bit on it, focusing on finishing the dreadful soup and just when he’s about at the end of it, he notices his sister cutting in an apple and putting the slices next to his hand, motioning with her knife for him to eat it.

“I-”

“Don’t even start it, brother.” she cuts him off and he sighs, picking up a slice “I know you love those so there’s no need pretending that you’re not hungry.”

“I hate you.” he mumbles quietly and she waves her knife in the air again.

“I heard that.” he nudges her with his elbow in a silent apology as she turns her attention back to Harper “I think it’s a good idea. But you should stay out of the water, the cold makes your bone ache more.” she tells Bellamy who waves her off.

“I’m fine just being there.”

“Good. Then it’s settled!” Harper claps her hands in excitement and starts blabbing about what they could take to eat or what they should do.

Jasper wakes up a bit more and Bellamy starts stealing some of the pieces Octavia’s cutting in small portions for him, to the kid who inhales them mindlessly and Bellamy takes it as another quiet win.

When the doors of the mess hall open and Monty and Lincoln make their way rushing in, he tenses, feeling that something was wrong by the expression they wore on their faces.

“What’s going on?” Octavia asks before Bellamy can open his mouth. She feels his fingers wrap around hers under the table, though and he tenses.

“There’s something happening outside.” Monty says breathlessly “I think you guys should come.”

“Who is it?” Harper asks instead, already on her feet.

Bellamy grips the end of the table with his unsteady shaky hand and tries to raise himself up on his feet.

He staggers hard when he tries to use his bad leg to move behind the bench so Octavia springs on her feet to catch him before he falls face down in his soup.

“Maybe Lexa. I don’t know…They just opened the gates and everyone who isn’t here kind of walked out to see what’s happening.” Lincoln explains and gives Bellamy a worried look similar to his sister’s one.

In the past few months since he came from the mountain, he and Bellamy had gotten close, mostly because as tough and strong as his sister was and as much weight as he had lost, he was still…heavy.

At first when he tried to stand up, he couldn’t do it without someone’s help.

The smallest thing from going to the bathroom or helping him change required effort and the need of extra hands since he dropped whatever he tried to squeeze his shaky fingers around.

Lincoln was there to always help out and he was good for Bellamy, because he bore no pity in his eyes.

He was simply there-a warm and kind grip on his shoulder, arm wrapped around his waist, an encouraging word but nothing too intruding or enthusiastic.

He was the first one Bellamy let himself use his voice to and when Lincoln first heart it, he couldn’t quite believe his ears but he was fast to not make a big deal out of it and instead responded to him in the most natural and kindest of ways.

“Maybe you should stay behind.” he suggests but of course he’s greeted with the reaction he expects from Bellamy which is a stern shake of his head much like the one Octavia often gave him.

Last time Lexa came to camp was a few weeks after the mountain and he was still in medbay, trying to fight off the infections and will himself to live.

She had come to negotiate a treaty with the Arkers, force them into the coalition and give them a few acres of land where they could grow crops and maybe expand a little, but not too much, never too much, as the neighboring Trikru villages were more than unhappy with her decision.

She promised them pelts and food for the winter as well as the help of other grounders with their own crops and some livestock like chicken and sheep.

In return all she wanted from them was to become part of the coalition, show them how to use radios and some medicinal help from Abby and Jackson. It was a small price to pay in return of what she was giving them but she explained that Clarke destroying the Mountain was a debt they would never be able to fully repay.

Meanwhile with time they found out Clarke was being hunted because of some grounder believe that if they killed her they could take her power.

Last Lincoln heard of her, and Bellamy knew that only because of a conversation he overheard his sister and him have while he was pretending to be unconscious from the fever raging through him, she had left for the sea, as far away from Lexa and the coalition as possible.

Bellamy wasn’t stupid, though.

He knew that whatever Lexa needed one day, she could easily take from them. If someone started a war against her, she’d ask for their men and their gun.

For him still the best thing for the delinquents, as this was all he cared for, would be to leave.

The Arkers found things for them to do around camp but they were still bossing them and looking down on them, what Bellamy found was worse, is that they used them for things no one else wanted to do, and were downright harsh on them.

Giving them night guard shifts or sending them off hunting when they needed to just keep being kids, doing light work around camp and having their fun.

They still had time before they had to grow up yet it was ripped away from them like Bellamy’s own ability to stand on his feet and be who he was-a fighter.

The only response Bellamy gives him is a light shake of his head before he untangles himself from his sister and moves forward, trying his best to stand upright and look strong despite his limp and the aching of his body.

The delinquents fall behind him and Octavia.

Despite everything that has happened, everything he has been through, the fact that he was half the person he was before, he was still their leader.

The one who took care of them even now, the one they could lean on even if he couldn’t stand on his feet for more than an hour.

He was still who they looked up to so Monty, Harper, Jasper, who was unsteady on his feet, Miller, who came to his other side and a few of the others who were having dinner with them by the table, walked behind him.

Lincoln’s right-there’s a commotion outside, it seems like half the camp has come out perking their heads and whispering as their eyes were pinned on the spot near the gates.

Bellamy’s vision, which was another thing that got screwed up in the mountain, can’t make out the figures in the near distance and his sister knows that because she takes his arm and whispers in his ear.

“I see Abby.”

It’s dark so he can’t just blame his eyes, instead he keeps moving forward, body buzzing with anxiety as every emotion going through his head tries to rage a war and fist his hand into a punch that will form a bruise on the commander’s face.

“And Kane.” Miller adds when they approach the group in the center.

People around them, the other Arkers, move as if on accord on the sight of the delinquents and Bellamy leading his small army behind them.

He tries to steady his limp and look up as strong as he can, pushing back every thought of his pain away.

He’s surprised when he makes out a figure hugging Abby-someone definitely too short to be Lexa, but still dressed in grounder clothes and pelts.

Their hair was long and what seemed unnaturally red even on the moon light. Kane’s expression is what stills Bellamy and he feels Jasper’s head bump in his back when he makes his abrupt stop.

“Bellamy” it’s the way he says his name that makes Bellamy raise an eyebrow in utter confusion.

_Like he expected him to break into a thousand pieces._

When the small figure turns around at the sound of Kane’s voice and he sees their face he knows why.

For a long moment everyone just stays quiet, trying to make sense of what they’re seeing before them.

He can feel the delinquents perking up behind him and with every time someone’s eyes fall on her, there’s a gasp.

Clarke Griffin is standing there, hand still in her mother’s, face covered in bruises and cuts, red hair falling a bit over her dirty face, tears streaming down her face, lips parting at the sight of him.

He remembers his sister’s words now-she never got to see them take him out of the mountain.

_She never knew._

The last time they saw each other she sent him off there, telling him he was right and she was wrong, that his life didn’t matter enough, that he could die but it was worth the risk.

All words he had endlessly repeated to himself while growing up, words his mom never uttered in the exact same way but whatever she said still carried the same meaning.

_**He was nothing.** _

_**He was no one.** _

_**His life mattered none.** _

Tsing and Cage only reinserted that believe in him while using his body as butchers, cutting pieces out and drilling it in until his blood spilled out of it, covering everything around.

In those moments he kept telling himself they’ve all been right- _ **he didn’t matter.**_

_**He was just a vessel, a shield.** _

He’d protect the others even if it meant dying because he was supposed to never have been born at all.

It always should’ve been just his sister. She wasn’t the odd one out, _he was_. And he has spent his entire life cursing the fact that not only had he been the first born but also the realization that he was there at all.

He feels his sister’s nails dig in his arm and he realizes a moment too late why-he was swinging on his feet and he would’ve fallen face down if not for her.

“Bellamy?” she steps forward, eyes roaming all over him.

He knows what she sees and he forgets how to breathe.

He was trying his best to cover the scars with baggy clothes but he knew that there are some peaking up from under his sleeves or collar, that his face, despite the beard, was still marred with the jagged scar on its side, that his body was titled to the side because of his unstable leg, that he looked…like a ghost.

He deflates under her gaze, his shoulders fall and he staggers again, leaning into his sister.

The sight before his eyes goes black for a moment and he grits his teeth, or whatever was left of them after Tsing and Cage were done with their work trying to ground himself.

She takes a step forward.

And he moves back on instinct.

Octavia stands before him, teeth bare like an animal ready to attack.

“What are you doing here?”

“Clarke’s come home.” Abby says carefully trying to mediate between the two sides.

Behind Bellamy, Jasper laughs and it’s not that sweet childish cheerful laugh that could be heard of him when he was drunk at night and Miller and Bellamy were being their grumpy selves.

It was manic, psychotic, cold.

Making a shiver run down through you.

“Well, she sure always had good timing, didn’t she.” he drops “I’m out of here. Bell, you good?”

Bellamy just gives him a nod but before he leaves , he grabs his shoulder and pulls him back, reaching for his inner jacket pocket where he kept his flask and taking it out.

Jasper just laughs again, knowing full well that in a second he’d bring his hidden stash out and get himself drunk but still admiring Bellamy’s belief that he could stop this.

He pats his chest before leaving and everyone else stay in their places for another painful minute.

It is Raven who breaks the silence, coming from somewhere on Clarke’s left, Sinclair following swiftly behind, probably being the one to tell her. She throws herself in her embrace and Clarke wraps her arms tentatively around her. The look of relief on Clarke’s face makes Bellamy wince.

She came home.

And as hard as things would be now, as hard as they were before, she’d be okay. She could come home.

But he never did.

He’s been here for months and he never once felt like he wasn’t in that room with Cage and Tsing getting drilled and screaming his lungs out.

But he knows this isn’t about him, it’s never been so, so he turns around and looks at the other kids.

Despite everything that has happened, it wasn’t him who saved them.

She send him in the mountain to do so but he had failed and in the end, she was the one to bring them out.

He looks in Harper’s eyes and sees sadness and guilt at the same time so he frees her and the others with a nod.

They move around him and tentatively reach for Clarke, greeting her quietly and saying hi.

Octavia’s fuming next to him and he knows why.

Once again, he thinks, if the situations were reversed, he’d want to lunge himself at Clarke too, but now he reaches out to grip her shoulder and pull her to him.

“Let’s go inside.” he whispers and when she opens her mouth to protest he knows just the right thing to say “My leg really hurts.”

It’s only half a lie.

In truth, he really is in pain and he feels his leg going numb, which is how he knows he won’t be able to stand upright for too long.

He spares the kids and Clarke one last look and then lets Octavia start walking him back to the Ark.

The crowd has mostly dispersed and next to him Octavia was blabbering every bad thing she could think of, cursing in both English and Grounder but he tunes it out, struggling to keep himself going and stopping abruptly when he feels a sharp pain coarse from his leg to his back.

“You okay?”

“Just…a second.” he whispers and Octavia stops, patiently holding onto his hand and wrapping his arm over her bony shoulders to help keep him upright.

“Bellamy-” he hears the familiar voice but refuses to open his eyes up. Still, he feels his sister tense next to him.

“Shit.” she curses and he tries to pull himself together and start walking but he only makes it a few steps before he feels the sharp pain again.

“Bellamy, please, can we talk?”

He opens his eyes and sees she’s actually standing so close to him and Octavia that he can breathe her in. Despite her disguise and her grounder clothes, he can still sense the familiar smell of fire wood and…spring flowers.

He had no idea how she smelled like it no matter where she was but it hit him so hard and fast that he stumbled back on his feet and he watches her reach to take his hand and steady him except he pulls away from her like he’s burned.

“You can't say anything he wants to hear.” Octavia hisses instead, moving forward a bit between her and him.

He still refuses to meet her eyes, opting on staring at his feet again and trying to overcome the pain.

“I just want to-”

“Say what? Don’t you think you’ve done enough harm already?” she gestures at his broken body and it makes Bellamy’s heart fall to his feet.

Even his sister saw him as broken.

“Octavia” he whispers and at the sound of his voice Clarke’s head snaps back up to meet his eyes.

She realizes a moment too late what she’s said and presses herself closer to him in a soft apology.

“Let’s go.” he suggests, whispering in her ear and she gives him a quiet nod before she starts pulling him forward.

Clarke’s always been relentless though. There’s never been a moment in her life she wasn’t stubborn, so once again, she pushes even though she should know she shouldn’t.

“Please, I just need a minute.”

Bellamy sighs but he overcomes his pain and frustration in favor of his sister who once again steps before him, ready to fight Clarke, so he has to wrap his hand around her elbow and pull her back.

“Octavia” he says her name as a plea and then continues in Tagalog which they’ve been using since they were kids and kept on even now when they didn’t want anyone around them to know what they’re talking about.

Their knowledge was courtesy of his mother who insisted he knew his father’s mother tongue. She had learned some from him when she was still pregnant but it was only when he started school and one of his teachers was also of Filipino descent and he asked him to help him improve. It took him years but later on he passed it to Octavia and they got so good at it that even his mom had trouble following their train of thought sometimes when they were speaking too fast.

_"Iwanan mo na kami." "(Leave us be.”)_

_"Pero -" (“But-”)_

_“Kaya ko 'to. Magkita nalang tayo sa loob." ("I can do this. Meet me inside.”)_

It’s the way he says it that finally convinces her and he watches her leave, though he knows she’ll linger by the Ark’s doors and wait for them to be done, afraid of what Clarke could do to him.

She doesn’t know there’s nothing she could say that would hurt him more than those last words they exchanged before he left.

Once they’re alone Clarke takes a minute of just watching him and for some reason that fact unnerves him even more.

“Quite the screw up now, wouldn’t you agree?” he says gesturing at his own wrecked body.

She averts her look ashamed that she was caught and he shakes his head.

“You shouldn’t have asked me to talk if you can’t face your demons, princess.”

Her head snaps back at him but her eyes focus on him and nothing else. She takes a step forward, crossing her arms over her chest and taking in a deep breath.

Underneath all the grime and cuts, he still finds her soft features, her piercing blue eyes that can and had brought mountains down.

But there’s something broken in there too.

It is the reason why as much as he wanted to he couldn’t be pissed off at her.

What she did…must’ve broken her in ways unimaginable.

He had failed her, failed them all and then left her to do the hardest thing she ever had on her own.

On the other hand she was the one to sent him there, she was partly responsible for him being the way he was now. Unable to protect anyone, not that he could before but now he didn’t even have the chance to try.

His heart broke in two and he didn’t know what to do or how to do anything, so his best bet was to stay as far away from her as possible and just let them live their lives alone with their pain.

She was guilty for sending him there.

He was guilty for not protecting the kids and helping her destroy the mountain.

It was wrong to its core.

“Bellamy, I had no idea.”

“How could you, you weren’t here.” he snaps back and his voice comes out screechingly hoarse, making him shiver and blush ashamed of himself.

He wills himself to whisper the next time he speaks.

“Look” he swallows hard, taking an unsteady step forward “I don’t want us to fight. Whatever the reason you came home for, I’m sure it makes sense to you and I hope with time…it gets better for you.”

“Bellamy I-”

“But I think we should stay out of each other’s ways.” he interrupts her before she can say anything he’s sure will hit him right in the heart “For our own sake but also for the kids’. They’ve been through enough and they don’t need this.”

She nods in agreement after a moment and he gives her a curt nod before he starts walking, or more like limping, his way back to the Ark wreckage.

He’s just about passed by her when he hears her voice.

“What happened to you?”

“What happened to **_you_**?” he stops and turns his head back to face her briefly.

“I-” she comes by his side and walks with him when he keeps going slowly but steadily “I traveled a lot, passed from village to village, fought some grounders who wanted to kill me…then ended up by the sea.”

He wants to tell her this is not the answer to his question but instead he goes in another direction.

“Why now?”

“Why not?” he laughs sadly at that.

“Fine, princess. Keep your secrets.”

“You’re keeping yours.” she corners back and he realizes he’s too tired for this conversation tonight but they’ve just about reached the Ark and he leans heavily on it with one arm, breathing in and out, lungs gasping for air which happened often now when he exerted himself.

“I don’t think I need to say anything, you can see it all by yourself.” he whispers back gesturing at his broken body once more.

She purses her lips and he wants to smile once again at her stubborn unhappiness with his responses.

“But since you so stubbornly insist-” he sucks in a breath “I was caught about an hour after our last radio talk. They dragged me to a room and tied me down to a metal table before they drilled me for the first time. “ she winces at that but he keeps going.

“When they brought me back to the kids room, the pushed me to the floor and beat me up in front of them just for sport and because I killed Lovejoy. The next time they took me, I didn’t come back to see them again but I tried to strike a deal with Tsing for them to drill me and leave them alone.”

“Bellamy-”

“Worked only halfway but it was worth it I guess.” he shrugs ignoring the painful moan escaping her lips “Your mom found me barely alive and fought for me harder than anyone had before. If not for her, I’d be dead.” he smiled wickedly and he knew he probably looked as manic as Jasper often did but he couldn’t care “The end.”

“I’m-” she chokes on the words and he shakes his head.

“Don’t say it, princess, there’s no use of sorry, there never was.”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“You didn’t. They did.”

“But I sent you there.”

“As you said” he smiles sadly this time “It was worth the risk.” before she can keep up he walks in and finds his sister by the main doors just out of reach, probably listening to their conversation all along. She doesn’t say anything but loops her arm around his back and helps him walk to his room.

_"Okay ka lang ba?" ("You good?”)_ she asks in Tagalog, not because there’s anyone to overhear them but out of love and fear.

She needed to comfort him and this was one way to do it.

_“Okay lang ako” ("I'm fine.")_ he lies and pulls her head to his chest for a second too long like he often did when they were kids, letting himself believe that he was actually strong like before even if for a short moment.

She helps him to bed and insists on staying for a bit which he unfortunately can’t help. It’s only when she starts dozing off on the chair near his bed that he digs out the radio he kept under the bunk and calls Lincoln who comes to pick her up.

* * *

The next few days go uneventful. He mostly focuses on the crops and avoids the kids at dinner, letting them have their time with Clarke.

He knew some of them were afraid of her for what she did, but others like Harper, were grateful and wanted to spent some time with her, so he stepped back.

On the third day, though, he wakes up and he can’t feel his legs. The pain in his back has worsened in the past week but he was stubbornly ignoring it until it inevitably caught up with him.

He gets angry at himself but still thinks he’ll be strong enough to make it to medbay and ask Abby for help without involving his sister who didn’t need yet another thing to worry about.

Except he can’t even sit on his own.

He does manage a somewhat upright position but his shaky fingers struggle to grab onto the metal railing of he bed above him that nobody used, yet once he does that, there’s a sharp excruciating pain that sends him yelling, as much as he could yell with his voice gone now, and sending him back lying flat on the mattress.

It hurts so much, it’s blinding him but his anger born out of the frustration that he couldn’t even stand up on his own, is worse and before he knows it, he’s rolling on his side and punching the wall with his hand so hard, he feels the skin tear up like the old cloths Abby used sometimes to patch him up-it broke up so easily now, like his skin wasn’t really his, like a simple touch could send him flying in the air as if he weighted nothing.

He cries and he punches it until he can’t feel his hand anymore.

Part of him knows he did this so he could help his brain focus on a pain different than the one in his back but the other part knows the truth-he’s ashamed of himself.

He crumbles on his own and cries, tugging the blanket over him, cradling his now crooked bleeding hand to his chest and writhing under the pain.

Part of him knows Octavia will come check on him if he’s not out of bed after breakfast time but he’s so consumed by just trying to withstand this that he forgets about it until what seems like hours later, the door opens and he hears her voice.

“Bellamy?” he thinks about pretending to be asleep but also he doesn’t want her coming too close and seeing his face, realizing that he’s in pain, so he remains with his back to her, blanket up and decides he’ll spare her this.

She deserved a day free of worrying about him.

_"Kamusta?" (“What’s up?”)_ she asks in Tagalog, her way of trying to squeeze an honest answer out of him but he responds in English.

“Nothing, I’m just tired. Sleepless night.”

She approaches him but when she reaches to touch him, he shivers and she knows better than to push him when he’s afraid of his sister’s touch.

Part of him hates how good he is at playing her.

Another part deep down knows that shiver wasn’t fake.

_"Itim na aso" (“Black dog?”)_ she asks in Tagalog again, stubbornly insisting on reaching to him but he refuses to let her in and just gives a big shrug under the blanket hoping she’ll get the message.

Black dog is what he called the bad days, the days when he really couldn’t get up but not because of the physical pain but just because…he didn’t have the strength to.

He hated them but what he couldn’t stand even more is having his sister around to worry about him when he felt like that because there was no way she could help yet she was desperately gasping at straws to do something and fix him.

She had yet to realize there was no fixing him.

She knew better than to bother him on such days. He always dealt with it on his own and with a sigh she gives up.

“I’ll come back in the afternoon, bring you something to eat.”

“Okay.” he agrees and when he hears her walk away and close the door behind him, his shoulder sag in relief and he rolls on his back with a groan.

He thinks he won’t be able to fall again because of the pain coursing through his body but he actually ends up dozing off and having weird and horrible nightmares that are interrupted only when the pain in his leg gets too bad and he wakes up with a start.

That repeats over and over again-he dreams of being in the lab with Tsing but now Clarke’s there too on a bed next to him and Cage threatens to drill into her but he begs them to use him instead of her.

Then there are others where his sister is crying over his dead body except he’s alive but he can’t talk, can’t tell her so.

Then there are the worst ones where he’s all healthy and strong again, holding his rifle perched on the wall in the dropship while bullets fly by and he feels someone’s small hand on his shoulders, the smell of spring flowers and firewood.

He wakes up when the sun is beginning to set and when he looks around he finds no signs of his sister having come back which he’s for once grateful for.

It takes him a moment to realize he’s sweated not only through his shirt and sweatpants but also the sheets and the pillowcase.

The pain is still that strong, if not worse and every other minute or so it makes his body tense, his hand wrap around the side of the bed and his breath hitch until it passes only to repeat in another minute.

His belief that he could’ve just slept it off and wake up the next day all fine and without pain, goes crashing down with the realization that he won’t be able to escape this without pain.

With one last sigh in resignation he lets his hand roam for the radio under the bunk and with tears in his eyes he presses the button on the side.

“Kane, are you there?”

He could always count on Kane and Abby picking up on him right away and as much as he hated worrying them because it seemed they genuinely cared about him, he refused to do this to his sister again.

“Bellamy, what’s wrong?”

“I need you to come to my room.” Bellamy whispers and he feels so pathetic even saying that out loud but he knows Kane could be the only one to carry him to medbay without any help and do it discreetly at the same time.

“On my way.” he says and less than five minutes later he bursts through the doors and stops abruptly at the sight of him.

“Jesus, Bellamy.” he says and takes off his rifle as he approaches him carefully, kneeling down and reaching for his hand.

“I can’t…” Bellamy says looking down at his useless legs “Can’t move.”

“I got you, don’t worry.” Kane promises carefully removing the blanket and swiftly, expertly sliding his arms under his back and legs.

He has to have gotten good at it, Bellamy thinks, he was the one to carry him around after he first woke up-help him to the bathroom or to eat when his sister wasn’t there, then basically being his live crutch while he was learning to walk again. Well he and Lincoln.

He feels like a child being carried by his mom to bed and for a moment he’s transported back on the Ark, relishing in the vague memory of someone’s big strong arms and chest putting his tiny body to bed before brushing away his curls and saying something in a language he then yet couldn’t understand.

Kane whispers reassurances in his ear but he makes no sense of them.

Yet he uses them to ground himself and still his shivering body so he doesn’t scare the old man too much.

He tries focusing on everything else around-the dim light of the hallways which tells him Kane is using sideline corridors to get to medbay to spare him the humiliation but the lack of people around could also be attributed to the fact that it was dinner time.

He smiles when he buries his nose in Kane’s chest and thinks how stupid it is to be thinking about someone seeing him like this again.

It didn’t matter.

It shouldn’t at least.

But when they make it inside and Kane stops abruptly he feels the bright light of medbay cover his face even if he was refusing to open his eyes.

“Where’s your mother?” he asks whoever is before him and that makes Bellamy furrow his eyebrow.

_Your mother?_

He cracks an eye open and when he sees the figure before them he laughs bitterly making Kane look down at him with worry.

“The princess is here to face the fall of her king then.” he mumbles and feels Kane move him around probably to the cots, before he’s put down and his body jerks with pain once again.

“She’s in surgery with Jackson.” Clarke explains but he keeps his head tilted to Kane’s side, holding onto his hand for dear life. “What’s wrong?”

“He can’t move. We need your mom, like yesterday.” Kane says with both concern and determination.

“I’ll go get her. “ Bellamy’s so out of it he can’t make sense of anything, but he knows Kane’s refusing to let go of his hand and buries his other one in his curls, tugging a little as if to ground him.

Somehow the pain gets worse now, maybe because he was moved around and he can’t help but grip Kane’s fingers so hard he’s afraid he’ll break them.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, could be minutes, could be half an hour but when they come back he feels a moment of relief once Abby’s hand grips his shoulder and forces him to open his eyes.

“Hey, there.” she’s still dressed in her scrubs and there’s some blood on the front which makes him avert his eyes from her. He feels guilty for pulling her out for something so stupid as his inability to control his own pain.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbles but Abby waves her hand in dismissal before he can say anything else and motions for Clarke to go to his other side.

Kane silently moves to his head and lets go of his hand but Bellamy wastes no time gripping the side of the cot to ground himself.

It takes him a moment to realize Clarke’s index finger barely brushes over it in quiet support and that sends yet another shiver down his spine but when he looks at her she’s not meeting his eyes so he just swallows down whatever feeling he had and shoves it at the bottom of his heart knowing it’d inevitably spring back out in the open whether he liked it or not.

“Let’s see what’s wrong.” Abby says sternly “Clarke, help me with his shirt.”

At the sound of that he presses his arms close to his sides and whimpers.

It was one thing for Abby to look at what she already had a hundred of times but he refused to let Clarke see his scarred body.

“No” he lets out stubbornly and feels Abby’s hand on his cheek, grounding him down. “She doesn’t have to be here for that.”

“Yes, she does. Jackson’s in surgery and if this is what I think it is, you know I’ll need her help.”

He swallows hard refusing to meet Clarke’s look.

“I’m fine. Just shoot me some antibiotics and let me go”

“It doesn’t work like that and you know it.”

“Then I can wait for Jackson to come back.”

“No, you can’t.” Abby cuts him off stubbornly and grabs the hem of his shirt. “I’m not watching you struggle for hours just because you’re ashamed of your scars.” he swallows hard at that and knows he’s lost the battle so he commands his body to go limp and let’s Clarke help her move him into a sitting position so Abby can slip off his shirt.

The gasp that escapes her lips when she sees his chest is worse than the pain shooting through his back but he refuses to look at her and let’s them turn him over.

He knows his back is worse, but Abby must throw her daughter a look because Clarke doesn’t say anything. He feels the doctor’s fingers prod over the swollen skin before she sighs.

“The spinal taps are swollen, pressing on the nerves” Clarke says quietly.

“Yes and unfortunately it’s not the first time.” he feels her fingers move over the incisions she made just a few weeks ago when he couldn’t get out of bed just like today only back then he couldn’t hide it from Octavia that well. “When did the pain start?”

He shrugs but Abby obviously waits for an answer because she removes her hands from his body and leans over to his face.

“A week ago.” he finally mumbles.

“So it’s most likely you pushed yourself too hard instead of letting it recover and here we are all over again.” with the corner of his eye he can see her rubbing her forehead but avoids Clarke’s face at all cost. “Dammit, Bellamy.”

“It’s not that bad.” he lies and when he feels her thumb pressing on a particularly painful spot on his left his whole body jerks so hard from the pain he almost topples out of bed.

“I wouldn’t call that a bare inconvenience, kid.” Kane utters and Bellamy’s eyes move to his, finding the pity in them all over again and forcing himself to squeeze the side of the bed.

“We have to cut it and release the pressure on the nerves.”

“I’ll get the painkillers.”

“Don’t.” Abby stops her daughter and looks down at Bellamy’s scarred body “He can’t take them.”

“But-”

“He built a threshold for drugs when he was there so the ration I can give him won’t do anything to ease the pain and I don’t want to put extra pressure on his heart since it’s not in its best condition.”

“What do you suggest we do then?”

“Just tie me up” Bellamy whispers from under them “I don’t want to make your work difficult.”

There’s a moment of silence while Clarke tries to make sense of his words.

_“You gotta be kidding me.”_ she finally spills “Mom, we can’t cut on him while he’s awake.”

“Why not, your mom did it on Raven?” Bellamy meets her eyes for a brief moment before realizing just how pissed off her expression was and forcing his eyes down to the metal floor again.

“We didn’t have a choice then!”

“We don’t have one now either.” Abby says sadly, her hand squeezing Bellamy’s shoulder briefly before she leans closer again “You think you can do this?” he gives her a curt nod.

“It won’t be the worst thing to happen to me, doc.”

“Bellamy-”

“You don’t have a say in this, princess.” he cuts her off and tries not to let his anger show “You lost that right a long time ago.”

Clarke bits her lips at that and he moves his head to Abby.

“Do you want some moonshine to help ease you some?” he shakes his head and just gestures at his hands.

“Just tie me up. At some point I’ll probably pass out.”

“Do you want me to get Octavia?” Kane asks next but Bellamy shakes his head once more.

“I’m fine on my own.”

“She’ll be mad about that.” the older man tries to make a point but Bellamy refuses to involve his sister into this.

“She’ll get over it.” he looks back at Abby “Just get to it will you, doc?”

Abby nods and takes out some cotton and bandage to tie around his wrists and secure on the side of the cot.

His legs feel lifeless now but he knows that at some point the pain will get worse when his feeling comes back so he makes them tie those down too.

The entire time Clarke’s eyes are focused on his back, cataloging every scar that she can find and he knows there are many.

When he first woke up his body hurt so much he could barely will himself to move, it felt like very part of it was pulled by stitches and he wasn’t far from the truth.

There were two big scars on his chest, circle ones where they’ve drilled him, surgical incisions on his back, some burns too, up on his left shoulder blade-he knew how it all looked.

He’d dared face himself in the mirror only once after the mountain but it was enough to send him to his cot where he spend a few days unable to get up and not because he physically couldn’t.

“Ugly, is it not, princess?” he asks her while Abby cleans his lower back with antiseptic and hands Clarke some gloves to put on.

She doesn’t say anything to that but he sees that his wicked smile scares her so he closes his eyes and grits his teeth instead preparing himself for the inevitable.

“Ready?” Abby asks and he feels her fingers pepper over the swollen skin.

He gives her a harsh nod and holds onto the side of the cot so as not to scream when he feels the knife dig through his skin.

For some reason this time’s harder than the last one and at some point he starts begging for his body to just give up and collapse but instead Kane just pushes a ball of bandages in his mouth to muffle his screams and grips his shoulder to keep him still.

But it hurts.

It hurts too much.

And he can’t help his tears fall down, though what’s worse is that he is unable to stop his mind from going back there in the mountain and seeing Tsing drill into him while smiling from under her surgical mask.

No matter how bad he wants to pass out, he won’t.

Maybe it’s his mind preventing him from it, refusing to show himself as being weak in front of Clarke, his stubbornness needing to prove to her that even though he’s broken, he’s still strong.

He thinks maybe she sees through it because she angrily says at her mom at some point.

“Can’t we knock him out or something, he’s…”

“Just a bit longer.” Abby promises more to him than Clarke even though for some reason it sounded to him like she was in pain too.

Why, he had no idea.

He feels her move to the other side of his back after finishing with the left one and though there’s relief coursing through his body there’s also a lot more pain.

He relaxes only when he hears Abby ask Clarke to hand her the needle and when he feels the first pinch trying to stitch his skin together, he finally exhales. The pain of her stitching him up awake was absolutely nothing compared to what he’d just been through.

“You’re right.” Clarke says quietly when she pulls off her gloves and reaches to untie him. “He has a high threshold.”

“Almost as good as your, huh?” she throws him a confused look and he just shakes his head.

If she thought her ability to withstand psychological pain was not as good as his to conquer physical one then she probably should’ve stayed by the sea a while longer.

When Abby’s done, they carefully roll him on his side.

“You know the drill, no laying on your back just yet, okay?” he nods and closes his eyes trying to steady his breathing. “Clarke hand me those blankets over there, we need to make sure he won’t roll over.” they put them in a tight bun that almost feels human when they press it to his back as a soft wall that will prevent him from lying back.

“I’ll go clean up and make you some seaweed tea to kick that infection off, okay?” Abby says rubbing his arm gently to which he gives a quiet nod and a grateful smile.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” she turns to Clarke again “You can help him get more comfortable.”

“I’m-”

“Let’s hear how fine you are one more time, kid. I’ve almost forgotten for a second there” Kane interrupts him this time as he stands up from his seat “I’ll go grab some soup from the mess hall, you’ll need it for later.”

He groans at that and his face makes Clarke smile if only briefly.

He doesn’t know why in his heart that feels like a victory.

Clarke presses a wet cloth to his face, cleans up his tears and sweat but makes sure it stays on his forehead knowing it provides some comfort for him.

Then she carefully cleans his wrists that had gotten red and bruised form his hands tugging to free himself and wraps some soft gauze and bandages around it after cleaning the lacerations away.

“Thanks, princess.” he whispers “You can go now.”

She doesn’t.

Instead she pulls up a chair and sits next to him. He would’ve laughed if he had the strength to.

“I had no idea.” she finally says after a moment of silence in which he almost drifts off.

“You weren’t supposed to.” he whispers back “I’m kind of glad you didn’t.”

“Why?” she asks curiously “I sent you there. I did this to you.”

“So? You seriously believe you needed one more thing to beat yourself up about?”

“I-” she tilts her head to the side “You…you’re not mad?”

“Of course I’m mad.” he whispers back “You sent me there and you told me my life’s worth the risk.”

“But?”

“There’s no but. You were right.” he shrugs “I’m more angry at myself for failing you and the kids and then I was mad that you left because they needed you here.”

“I was never right, Bellamy. You are not worth the risk. I was just…” she shakes her head and gestures vaguely before her. “I was in pain.”

“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” he asks quietly sadness staining his voice “It’s over. I got my scars and you have yours.” she looks at him confused at that and he smiles “Just because they’re not physical, doesn’t mean they don’t exist, princess.”

She jerks her head and looks away.

“You can’t say that” she cuts him off and there’s anger in her voice but its clear that it’s not directed at him.

“Why not?” the fact that he sounds genuinely confused at that makes her bawl her hands in fists.

“Because you can’t just…. You can’t lay there after everything you’ve been through now and …I just…. I don’t deserve this.” he smiles and reaches out to touch her hand just barely.

She tightly wraps her fingers around his and moves closer, staring into his eyes.

“This is all because of me.”

He reaches to her chin, caressing the dark circles under her eyes.

“And this because of me.” he whispers back. “I told you-just because your scars aren’t visible like mine, it doesn’t mean they’re not there.”

“So what now?”

“I don’t know. But I think you seeing me causes you more pain” she doesn’t argue that which is his cue that he’s right, making his thumb caress her hand for a moment too long before pulling away “And me seeing you…”

“So we should stay way from each other is what you’re saying?”

“I think you have enough on your plate without me as a constant reminder of everything that went wrong in that mountain.”

“Bellamy, you aren’t the reason why-” she doesn’t get the chance to react when the door opens and Octavia comes flying in in all her angry glory, dressed in a black top and tights, hands still in leather gloves, knives strapped to her legs which probably meant that she was working out when she somehow found out he’s here.

“What the hell is going on?” she asks him and upon noticing Clarke sitting there quickly switches to Tagalog.

_"Anong ginagawa niya dito?" (“What is she doing here?”)_

_" Wag ka nang gumawa ng eksena." (“Don’t make a big deal out of it.”)_ he whispers back looking over his shoulder which is way too uncomfortable for him which she must sense or she’s just that angry that she storms over Clarke’s side and crosses her arms over her chest. _'Yong likod ko lang."("It’s just my back.”)_

_"Ginawa na ba ni Abby -"(“Did Abby-”)_ Octavia chokes on the words for a moment feeling to awkward to find the right description of him lying on the cot and being cut open without any anesthesia.

_"Oo, pero okay lang, lilipas din 'to." (“Yes, it’s okay. It’ll pass.”)_

Clarke eyes them in confusion, not understanding a word of their exchange and Bellamy tries to give her an apologetic look but that only makes Octavia even more mad.

“So you let her help but not me?” Octavia asks outraged switching to English as if to hurt Clarke even more.

“She was here when Kane brought me in. Abby was busy so she tried to help.” Bellamy’s voice comes out even more hoarse and weak than it did before and he tenses under the blanket when he feels another bout of sharp pain course through his body.

Though Abby had removed the tension he knew he’d be sore and in pain all the time for at least another week before he could walk without feeling as if a bolt of lightening was shooting through his back.

“Kane-” Octavia continuous her crusade, eyes screaming betrayal “You called Kane and not me.”

“Octavia” he winced again when he tried to reach out and touch her but instead felt another bout of pain that made him wince and instead grip the side of the cot. Clarke notices it, her sharp blue eyes never escaping anything especially someone else’s pain and with eyebrows furrowed takes a step closer to him again.

“I don’t think now’s the time for that. He should rest.” she tries turning to Octavia who however gets even more pissed off and comes close to Clarke, basically breathing into her face.

“Don’t you dare tell me what my brother needs, **_Wanheda_**!” she jabs her finger in Clarke’s chest and spits the last part with extra venom “You weren’t there when we found him barely alive. You weren’t here when he was learning how to walk from scratch. You weren’t here when he woke up in the middle of the night trying to scream your name except no sound came out and neither did you!” she jabs her finger even more forcefully into Clarke’s chest, making her stumble back.

_"Tama na!" (“Enough!”)_ Bellamy spits out in Tagalog before continuing in English “This isn’t her fault and now’s not the time.”

“So she’s back two days and you’re already willing to go back by her side and defend her, is that it brother?” Octavia opts to direct her anger at him again crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’m not defending her.” he tries as he raises himself up into a sitting position trying to level his eyes at his sister, feeling too pathetic lying there while they fought, but the pain overwhelms him again and Clarke reaches to push his chest and make him hold still.

At the touch of her hand on his skin he shivers and she pulls away like she was burned averting her eyes away, feeling stupid she did it. He wants to tell her this happened all the time now-that it wasn’t just her touch he was afraid of, that every light sound, even someone dropping something send him jumping, that his hands shivered all the time, that he couldn’t bare to look himself in the mirror and see his scars, that even his sister’s strong arms wrapped around him could get to be too much.

“She did this to you!” Octavia raises her voice and he struggles to make his hands support his body.

Clarke itches to reach for a pillow to put behind him as support but is afraid of making things worse. Moreover, Octavia’s words come as a slap and she stills herself, feeling unable to move.

“I got myself caught.”

“She send you in there! She told you your life doesn’t matter.”

“I wasn’t right.” Clarke says trying to keep her voice devoid of emotion.

“Yeah, well it doesn’t matter now, does it?” the younger Blake spits out directing her attention back to Clarke “You almost killed him and left him like this” Bellamy winces at those words ” and then you disappeared for three months.”

“Octavia” he tries again “You need to go. Walk it off, talk to Lincoln, I don’t care, but stop it.”

“So you’re choosing her, is that it?”

“I’m not choosing anyone, I just want it to stop hurting so goddamn much!” he raises his voice and it comes out so dangerously hoarse it finally shuts Octavia up. He’s the one who’s angry now and it’s clear by the way his brown eyes looked like a storm.

_"Umalis ka na O."_ he switches to Tagalog _"Bukas na tayo mag usap." ("Just go, O” ; “We’ll talk tomorrow.”)_

“I’m leaving with Lincoln for a trade with a Trikru village near Polis.” she announces and he finally sags back on the pillow, huffing at the feeling of his back that had just been stitched up hitting the hard cot mattress. “I was going to offer and stay but-” she looks at Clarke before she continues “It’s clear you don’t need me anymore.”

“Octavia-”

“See you in a few days, brother.” she turns around and leaves them alone.

For a moment there they just stay and let the silence overwhelm them.

When Clarke glances back at him she sees he’s closed his eyes and trying to breathe through the pain so she carefully comes close and announces her presence with a gentle cover of his hand with hers.

“Let’s get you back to your side again.” she suggests and he follows her lead, letting her help him rest on his side and adjust the blankets behind him. She grabs another extra blanket from the adjacent cot and covers him with it when she sees him shivering.

Her hand covers his forehead and upon finding it hot she feels her heart skip a beat.

“I should go check what mom did about that seaweed.” she tries to leave but he grabs her wrist and tugs her back.

For a moment, she thinks he wants to tell her something, maybe discuss what had just happened, let out the thoughts clearly going through his hand but he talks himself out of it and she sees the expression on his face change within a second, his eyes go empty and the two words she never thought she’d hear from him escape his lips.

“Don’t go.” he asks and watches him swallow hard before closing his eyes, retrieving his hand and letting his body go slack under the blankets “I get nightmares and if I toss too hard I can fall off.”

**_Oh._ **

The explanation pierces through her heart and she wants to beat herself up with a stick for getting the wrong impression, for thinking he really wants her here instead of actually asking her for help when he needed it.

“We both know your mom will bite my head off if I tear those stitches.”

She nods, pulls the chair close to his cot but reaches out to tentatively touch his fingers. He keeps his eyes close but she knows he’s still awake, even if just barely but his words shake her to her core.

That still doesn’t stop her from whispering.

“I have nightmares too.”

He opens his eyes to look at her and after a moment, gives her a brief sad nod before closing them again. She thinks that will be it but instead his fingers wiggle and he moves closer just a bit as a quiet invitation.

She takes it, wrapping her hand tightly around his.

Her mom finds them like this and when she does, Clarke jumps away as if ashamed of being caught.

They wake him for a moment, forcing him to finish a cup of tea and then cover him up again.

“I should go.” Clarke tells her “You’re good with him?”

“I’ll stay the night, make sure he’s not in too much pain.”

Clarke gives her a curt nod and leaves before her mom can ask anything else.

She doesn’t realize when she starts running down the hallways, but her legs don’t stop there, instead leading her out of the wreckage and outside through the dark camp. She motions for the guards to let her out and chooses the path to the left, leading to the crops where she thanks to Monty, knew he spends most of his days.

When she makes it there, she thinks it will be enough, she’s out of breath and though it was just barely five minutes away from the main gates, maybe ten, it felt like it was seconds.

She rests her hands on her knees and takes in deep breaths before taking a look at the even rows of wheat, beans, tomatoes, even corn, ahead of her.

She slowly makes her way there, passing through the wired fence and walking in until she eventually collapses her knees on the ground and buries her hand in the soil, struggling to command her lungs to keep it together.

Tears still spill and wet the ground near beautiful green leaves. When she looks up she finds it’s the tomatoes, tiny still green fruit have start shaping in a perfect round form.

This is him.

This is Bellamy.

He brought life into this earth.

**_He was life._ **

**_And she was death._ **

She curls up on the ground and waits for her tears to dry, thinking how if they never stop falling, at least she’ll do one good thing, bringing an ocean of sadness into his garden, helping it grow into something meaningful and beautiful.

At least something nice would come out of all this sadness.

At least one thing would result in something good for him.

She doesn’t realize how long she stays there until the first sun rays grace her face and she commands herself to get up.

She’s well aware she can’t go back into his room, not unless she wanted to cause him more pain than he was already in, but she still lingers close to medbay as if she was the moon orbiting around the Earth, unable to leave, pulled closer by the simple gravity that insisted she wrapped her arms around his scarred but still strong body.

* * *

She spends the next few days being a worried mess, knowing full well she can’t be with him but wondering how he’s doing at the same time. Word comes through that Octavia will be away for a week, not just a few days, and though Clarke has shifts in medbay, helping her mom and Jackson out, she stays away from him.

Except in the moments he’s asleep.

Then she allows herself to come close, check his vitals, read through his file and maybe even run her fingers through his curls for the briefest of moments.

It worries her that his fever doesn’t come down right away and though she doesn’t voice her concerns, her mom still casually mentions to Jackson things about his condition with Clarke being in the same room, eyeing her carefully, watching her reaction.

Clarke tries to keep it together but she’s still worried about him.

Her panic increases when she comes to medbay on the third day and finds his bed empty after Jackson discharged him early in the morning and he somehow got himself to his room.

Later she finds out from Monty that Miller went in to help him and though the kids were still a bit tentative in their attitude towards her, not sure what to say or do, it was clear they were trying but when it came to Bellamy, they went in there full force.

It made her eyes fill with tears.

At lunch they all talk about who’ll bring him dinner and force him to eat it or if he needs a change of bandages they could help with or maybe draw him a bath and help him shave and cut his hair.

They politely leave her out of the conversation though they eye her curiously from time to time but know better than to push her about it.

She shouldn’t be surprised really, not about this. She knew how fiercely he was willing to protect those kids, so much that he let himself be completely broken in every sense possible, but knowing it was one thing and actually seeing it, made her heart clench.

They loved him so much.

Monty would rush by carrying a bunch of fresh tomatoes, dumping them in Miller’s hands in the middle of camp and sending him to show them to Bellamy, because it’d _“help him feel better, he loves the tomatoes the most.”_

Murphy, who was begrudgingly helping in the kitchen but secretly enjoying it, would make the soup just a bit extra spicy because Bellamy liked it as such and this way they could force him to eat it.

Harper who had started helping Abby in medbay after recovering from the mountain, asked Clarke to show her again how to change his bandages so she doesn’t hurt him and Jasper…Jasper was the biggest surprise of them all.

Because he sobered up for the entire week.

He was sadder, walking around more hunched and obviously having trouble sleeping and though he was still snapping at Clarke and in ways blaming her for not doing anything for Bellamy, he was more retrieved, quieter, walking around like a ghost among them and whispering in Monty or Harper’s ears, asking what else he can do.

She was surprised when on the fourth day she found them outside, Jasper’s arms wrapped around Bellamy’s back and helping him walk.

Considering Jasper’s weight, she’d never thought it to be possible for him to help Bellamy around and the fact that he could, send her into another spiral as she realized that as much as Bellamy was still here, trying to recover, he was…not the man he was before.

He had lost weight and he looked much like Jasper himself-face either pale or flushed with fever, clothes too big for him to hide his scars, his ribs, though, still pronounced even through them, his arms though big and bulky still, were weak and shaky, his legs barely held him up.

It broke her heart.

Send her running out of camp again and she had just reached the treeline when she remembered she can’t disappear, not this time.

Despite everything that has happened, he still needed her. And she needed him. Though they couldn’t be around each other, though they couldn’t help each other, she couldn’t leave them. She had to stay and help the kids, but most of all, try to help him, even if not directly.

Octavia was right.

She did this.

She sent him into that mountain and broke him in a thousand pieces.

On the way back to the gates, she finds Jasper leaning on the wall and she doesn’t think he’s there because of her but when he moves up and stands in her way, she stops surprised.

“You can’t leave again.” he says quietly, as a threat, his eyes full of anger.

“I won’t.”

“You better not.” he raises his voice at that “Cause if you do, you can’t come home again.” Clarke swallows hard at that “He may be acting all cool and strong but I know how much all of this hurt him and I don’t mean the wounds and scars.” he crosses his arms over his chest as if to keep himself from punching her in the face

“I mean you.”

“He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t even want me around.”

Jasper laughs at that and it’s ugly and crude, sending a shiver down her spine.

“If you think that then you really are more stupid than I thought you were.” he takes another step closer and she feels much like that moment she shared with Octavia in medbay “It’s time you started helping instead of hurting people, especially Bellamy.”

“How?” she feels the anger built in her “I told you, he doesn’t want to see me.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way, Wanheda.” he throws at her and it comes out more like he spat in her face, before he turns around and leaves back inside, leaving her out there thinking over his words and trying to come up with something, though to no avail.

* * *

It’s inevitable that Bellamy tears his stitches at least once but of course she’s not there to witness it or help her mom patch him up.

She does get to be angry, though, especially when she finds out that it happened because the ass was stupid enough to try and get to the crops on his own thinking he was well enough to get back to work.

His bad leg, the knee more like it, had given up on him though, and he had fallen face hard into the ground.

Clarke wanted to grab him by the collar and shake some sense into him and she’s snappy and worried all day at everyone because of it.

At dinner, she doesn’t even want to talk to the kids who though quite angry themselves, seemed calmer about it, probably because they were used to his stubbornness by now.

But she was fuming on the inside.

The tip of the ice berg is when he actually joins them for dinner in the mess hall with Miller supporting his side and helping him settle down.

Seeing him struggle was too much for her and the fact that the kids were happy to have him there, made her even more angry.

“He should be in bed.” she mumbles angrily and the chatter around them quickly dies out.

Bellamy, who’s pale as a sheet, spares a glance at her in confusion and she looks away the moment her eyes meet his.

“What was that, princess?” he asks as a whisper and the fact that even his voice wasn’t _**HIS**_ voice anymore, made her squeeze her eyes shut.

_When did they get so broken?_

_How did they end up here?_

_Why did it hurt so goddamn much?_

All questions she didn’t have the answers to but that made her sad and most of all…helpless.

She couldn’t do anything for him. Anything at all. She caused him all this pain and she couldn’t take it away.

“You tore your stitches and you should be a lot less on your feet than you are.” she continues putting her spoon down but still fisting her hand.

The table grows quiet.

“You’re only making your pain worse now.” she keeps at it “But of course you won’t listen to anyone, least of all me so-” she stands up and takes her tray.

“And you all shouldn’t be supporting his stupidity.” she adds glancing at the kids who all bow down their heads after being scolded as if by their mom.

“Clarke-” he tries to stand up, leaning heavily on the wooden table “Wait.”

But she doesn’t.

She knows he doesn’t need her, he never really did, so she walks away with the tray in hand and leaves as fast as she can.

* * *

She avoids him for the next few days. Not just him but the kids too, feeling like maybe she overstepped.

It’s Monty who finds her after she came back from a hunting trip and ropes her into a conversation.

He tries small talk at first, asking her about her game and joining her in the kitchen where she starts skinning the rabbits she caught with Murphy looking at her from the corner with the most disgusted expression on his face.

“So, we’ve been thinking about going to the river.” Clarke barely pays attention to his words, focusing on the game, and thinking how angry she still is because she saw Bellamy struggling to walk this morning again.

“Mhm.”

“And we all think you should come.”

“Who’ll be there?”

“Oh you know,just me, Harper, Miller, Jasper, that ass over there-” he points at Murphy who throws an apple at him that Monty successful dodges with a duck “O and Bellamy.” at that Clarke’s stills her hand.

“I don’t think so.”

“Clarke, we could all really use that and we want you there.”

“You, maybe but he doesn’t need me around.”

“That’s not true.”

“I won’t cause him anymore pain than he’s already into, Monty” she cuts him off raising her voice just a little and trying to keep it together though the knife shakes in her hand.

“It’ll be too much.”

“For him or for you?” that makes her head snap in his direction and clench her jaw but Monty steps forward unabashed “I’ve seen him go through hell in the past few months and I know he’s strong enough to take this but are you? Is this really about him or are you trying to protect yourself? Your heart?”

“Monty-”

“Think about it, please.” he asks again reaching to briefly squeeze her elbow before he pulls away as if knowing that his touch on her is too much.

He turns to leave when Clarke stops him.

“Why?” she says raising her voice “Why do you want me there?” Monty turns around and gives her a confused look.

“Because no matter what happened, you still saved us, Clarke. And we love you.” Clarke shakes her head stubbornly at that and comes closer, unconsciously raising the bloody knife and waving it around before realizing how scared Monty’s expression goes and dropping it away shamefully.

“He is the one who risked his own well being for you, not me.”

“He sacrificed himself but so did you.”

“No. I destroyed the mountain and left. “ she’s angry now, but not at Monty, at herself.

This entire time, she’s been so mad at herself, it was eating her up on inside.

“He stayed, even if he was fucked up and broken, he stayed and no matter what state he’s in, he still takes care of you! He-” her voice breaks at that and she leans on the table as if someone cut off her legs, trying to keep it together.

She doesn’t expect Murphy to step in that moment but when he comes by Monty’s side, her eyes widen in surprise.

“You’re right, Blake’s a goddamn saint.” he spits out but there’s love in his voice despite him trying to hide it “He just never stops and one day it’s going to get him killed, but-” Murphy crosses his arms over his chest.

“I hate to say it, Monty’s right.” the kid smiles next to him and nudges his elbow “You may not have had every part of your body cut out by scalpels or drilled for bone marrow but without you, none of them would be here.”

“I-”

“Jesus, just let them say thank you. You deserve it.” Murphy throws his arms in the air angrily and goes back to his corner “You’re going, end of story. Now finish skinning that rabbit before we starve to death.”

Both her and Monty are so surprised by Murphy’s behavior that for a moment they just stand there, mouths hanging and staring at his corner.

Finally, Monty smiles, gives her a brief hug and tells her he’ll send Harper with the details.

Clarke can’t get the conversation out of her head for the rest of the evening.

* * *

A few days later, she decides to go by the crops fields and finds him watering the tomatoes moving a bucket of water at every one and using an old metal can to pour the liquid down at the roots.

She takes a moment to just observe him, sees how hunched his figure is, how he’s trying so hard to move the bucket, how he barely stands on his feet but still stubbornly keeps going.

“Hey” she interrupts him quietly and he jumps a little at the sound of her voice. When he sees it’s her, he gives her a soft smile but she can see he’s quite surprised to find her there. “You keep that up, you’ll tear those stitches again.”

He drops the metal can and slowly approaches her to the edge of the garden where he had piled up his jacket and a small leather satchel of water as well as some food.

“Actually, your mom removed them this morning, so I am all healed up.” he leans to take the water and eagerly swallows down a few sips “To what do I owe the pleasure, princess?”

He shouldn’t be out here, she thinks.

He was still so weak, so wobbly on his feet, his cheeks were flushed and it could be from the sun that was now setting but it could also be the infection still lingering in his body.

She’s surprised she doesn’t find Octavia here, scolding him for being outside.

“I was wondering if we could talk for a minute?”

“Sure.” he nods at the ground before them “Care for a sit at the fanciest of restaurants?” that brings a smile to her face and her heart leaps when before she sits down he motions for her to stop so he could spray the jacket on the ground next to him for her to sit over.

Once down by his side, he takes a few more sips of water and picks some apples from his pocket.

“How come your sister is not out here, trying to drag you back to bed?” she asks, trying to avoid the inevitable.

“She and Lincoln are leaving for another village tomorrow. Trying to trade for some chicken this time.” he explains “But she’s still kind of pissed off at me so she’s giving me the cold shoulder.”

“That’s my fault.”

“Bullshit.” he cuts half an apple off and gives her the piece. She takes it and eagerly bites into it, feeling for the first time today, hungry. “Can’t take on every bad thing that happens around here, princess.” he nudges her side with his elbow “Gotta leave some for me.”

She smiles at that and feels at ease for a moment before she remembers why she came here.

“Monty told me they want to take this trip down the river.” she begins tentatively “Asked me to tag along.”

“You should.” he says in a beat, digging into his own apple which almost makes her smile again.

He was such a boy sometimes and when she got to witness such soft moments, she remembered how young he was.

“That wouldn’t be awkward?”

“Why, cause I’ll be there?” his voice changes now, it goes from angry to sad before he continues “I can stay behind if you’d like. I’m not much fun as it is now anyway.” he says patting his bad leg which was held up by a brace made out of what looked to her seat belt straps from the dropship and the Ark wreckage.

She can only guess how much he fought her mom about it but she must’ve won the argument if he was willing to wear it.

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. I just-” she gestures around “Don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No offence, princess, but I think you’re the one who feels uncomfortable all the time.” he drops the apple to his lap “You think that the way I am….how I look now, doesn’t draw people’s attention?” he waves at his wrecked body “Trust me, you get used to uncomfortable pretty fast and I know I’ll be fine if we go to the river with our friends. The question is, will you be okay?”

He lets the last part out with genuine concern and moves his hand closer to her own spread out on the grass.

“I’m fine.”

“Now that’s a lie if I know one.” he chuckles sadly “You can stay behind if you don’t feel okay to do this. I’ll talk to Monty and the others about it.” he promises “But you have to tell me how you feel so I know”

“So you can take care of me too?” she asks opting to change the subject and feeling herself get angry all over again “Like you do with the others.” he raises an eyebrow at her in confusion and she huffs annoyed. “Except I can do that myself, Bellamy.”

“I think you made that part pretty clear, considering you disappeared in the wilderness and came back in one piece.”he says carefully “I’m not trying to dictate your actions, I just want to spare you any additional pain since I know how much you insist on carrying it all by yourself when you don’t have to.”

“You’re one to talk.” she huffs at him and winces at the way she says that. “You help everyone but who helps you?”

“They do. All of them.” he opposes and he is sincere when he says it “Just for your information, I let them, even if it hurts me, even if I know it’s not their job. But you don’t.”

“That’s not true.”

“Look, I know that you can’t let me in, that…just looking at me is a lot for you but you have to let them help you.” he says and carefully gets up on his feet, staggering a bit “They’ve extended a hand that you need as much as you refuse to admit it.”

“Bellamy-”

“You don’t have to be alone, Clarke.” he interrupts her “You don’t have to carry it on your own, you don’t have to suffer in silence.” she looks down at her feet for a moment.

“Let them in. I’ll stay out of your way and try to not be a constant reminder of everything that went wrong in that damn mountain.”

“Bellamy, you’re not doing any of that.”

“Then how come you can’t meet my eyes?”

_“Because I’m responsible for what happened to you!”_ she yells back at him but he seems unabashed by that, instead, he takes a step forward and talks with his quiet hoarse voice.

“And I’m responsible to what happened to _ **you.**_ ” he replies with the same fever in his voice and for a minute there they are so close to one another that they’re literally just inches apart from each other’s lips.

He pulls away from her and sighs.

“We can’t be there for each other anymore. Not like before.” he sees the tears in her eyes and it makes him swallow hard but it’s only the truth “I can’t be who you need me to be, Clarke. I’m no longer the same man who stood by your side.” he gestures at his crooked body again.

“Look at me, I’m pathetic.”

“That’s not true.” she says but even that comes out weak.

She wants to tell him that he’s wrong, that though now they’re broken because of what happened, it doesn’t mean it’ll always be like that.

That he stood by her side but she stood by his too, that he doesn’t have to be alone, _that he shouldn’t_.

But when they meet each other’s eyes all that they see is the infinite sadness that has completely consumed their entire beings.

Here he stood, indeed, broken, barely keeping himself upright, but it wasn’t just that…it was his heart.

His heart had bled out and she was the one who held the knife.

And there she was, not beside him, but opposite of him, with her head a complete mess, with nightmares shaking her entire core, with sleep escaping her six days out of seven, with her own hands trembling with bone deep tiredness, with her soul black.

When she was on the run there was this one woman in a Trishanakru village who claimed she could see the color of people’s souls and the first time she laid eyes on Clarke, she had averted them so fast, that Clarke didn’t have to ask what it was she found there.

She was all black, inside and out-an ocean of darkness and sadness but mostly-guilt.

While his entire being was ripped apart from pain, hers was from guilt.

She was darkness in and out and he, despite the cracks in his armor, remained to be light.

Light she didn’t deserve but desperately wanted to touch, at least once, to be held by, at least once, to feel his breath in the crook of her neck…

_At least once._

“They love you and from where I’m standing you look like you need that love right now, Clarke.” he had whispered taking a step closer and putting his hands on her arms, gripping them tightly as if to bring her back to earth after she drifted away in her own thoughts.

“If not for yourself, then do it for them.” he is good at convincing she’ll give him that “They need you as much as you need them, okay?”

Clarke sighs, brushes a lonely tear the corner of her eye and nods.

“Okay.”

His smile is so genuine it feels like a ray of sunlight touching her dark ocean.

But then she pulls away from him abruptly, knowing she didn’t deserve it.

* * *

On the day itself the kids are cheerful, yelling in the rover, singing songs, opening up the bottle of moonshine before they even reach the river.

Bellamy’s quiet in the back near Jasper, but he’s smiling still and Clarke feels her bone get a little less cold.

They spread out on the beach in just a few minutes and soon enough, Monty and Harper are jumping in with Jasper following swiftly by.

Monroe and Miller are those of the kids who are a little more tentative and grumpy but soon enough Monty and Harper pull them in and they all start splashing water and laughing out loud.

Bellamy stays in the far back, resting on a blanket.

Octavia never actually made it with them, having to leave with Lincoln to sort out the chicken situation with the Trikru village and he was keeping quiet and to himself but when she looked at him and noticed his eyes roaming all over the kids, she realized it wasn’t just him being happy for them- _he made sure no one got hurt._

And her heart clenched with that.

She stood by the shore but was a little tentative going in until Harper came out and basically pushed her inside, making her squirm and yell.

The kids had found a ball from somewhere and they tossed it around, playing improvised volleyball or something Jasper came up with that was “underwater soccer” which had them all laughing until he dived in and started pulling them at the ankles, freaking the hell out of them.

Clarke loses sense of time-she can’t remember when was the last time she laughed like that.

Harper’s climbing on her back, fighting Monty who’s on top of Murphy, then they’re splashing water over each other and tossing the ball.

The sun grazes her cheeks and she knows tomorrow she’ll be sun burnt and that she has to go out and make the kids put one some of the cream she had made before leaving camp but when she’s just about to do that she hears a commotion behind her.

At first she’s scared it’s grounders trying to fight them on being here, though technically they had every right to be, considering they were barely five miles away from home and according to the peace treaties, they were free to come here.

But she’s surprised to find Jasper tugging at Bellamy’s arm, forcing him to his feet while Bellamy kept pulling away.

“Come on, man it’s just water! Not a shower! Let’s have fun” it was clear Jasper was drunk as a pole, he had started earlier in the morning before they even got in the rover and Clarke couldn’t make out what Bellamy was saying because of his inability to talk like before, but it was clear he was uncomfortable and trying to fight him.

“Shit! Jasper, that idiot.” Miller cursed as he headed for the shore and Clarke quickly followed him.

“What’s up?”

“Bellamy hates the water.”

“He does?” she can remember all the times she’s seen Bellamy by the river before the mountain and then under the improvised shower that Raven had made in camp and she can’t recall him ever looking uncomfortable.

On the contrary, he always gave her one of his signature Bellamy Blake smirks when she caught him half naked after a shower.

Clarke pushes the thoughts of his naked chest away.

“Yeah…it’s” Miller eyes her curiously “It’s because of Mount Weather.” those two words are enough to send a shiver down her spine.

“But why?” they’re already on the shore Miller drying himself off with a towel before reaching to tug on his shirt while Clarke struggled in to put on her black pants and her blue shirt.

“Come on, we all have scars, stop being a baby and join us! You owe me that! You owe us that, come on!” Jasper kept pushing him and had managed to get Bellamy half upright except Bellamy’s bad leg buckled under him, sending him right back on the blanket “Come on Bell, you promiseeeed, come on!”

“Jasper, stop it!” Miller rushes in, pulling his hand away from Bellamy’s and only now does Clarke see that Bellamy’s not just trying to get free…he’s heaving.

He can’t breathe and when Miller drags Jasper away from him, his arms wrapped over his wirey chest, Bellamy curls up on his own, covers his head with his arms and shivers.

The others all come out the river and gather around them.

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Damn, is it another panic attack?”_

_“What the fuck did Jasper do to trigger him?”_ they’re all about to lean in and touch him but Clarke raises her hand to stop them.

She’s kneeling next to him but not touching him.

“Stop it!” she commands them and they all go quiet “You’re making him worse.” when they go silent they can actually hear his heaves, the deep breaths he’s trying to take, his hands digging into his hair and tugging painfully on his curls.

“She’s right, this is too much, we should step back.” Miller says and when she looks up she can’t find Jasper in his arms anymore but she also doesn’t see Monty which means he must be taking care of that.

”Go back to the river, okay? Let’s give him a moment.” the others listen to Miller and tentatively turn their backs on them but keep moving their heads and throwing worried glances at the three of them.

“You got this,Clarke?” Miller asks, kneeling by their side for a moment even though she gives him a careful nod.

“Why is he scared?” she whispers in confusion and Miller raises an eyebrow as if surprised they haven’t talked about it yet.

“Maybe you should ask him that.” he reaches to squeeze her arm before he stands up “I’ll be over there making sure the others are fine. If you need me just-”

“I’ll get you.” she promises and with an uncertain nod, he leaves them behind. She can hear him scold Jasper and then rush the others back to the water but their cheers are no longer loud and happy, their joy is subdued.

She reaches her hands out to him but doesn’t touch him so she doesn’t make it worse, instead, she tries to talk to him, tell him she’s here but it seems like he’s not hearing her at all.

He’s shivering hard, and curling up even more on himself, burying his face in his chest and covering his head with his trembling arms.

He doesn’t know how to explain that it wasn’t Jasper’s hand pulling at him that triggered him.

It was the drops of water falling of his hair and body over him that send him there in the decontamination room and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.

All he could feel was the chain around his neck pulling him back, the man dressed in white with a mask on his head, spraying the burning chemical all over him, the feeling of hands on his head, opening his mouth, injecting him with something big and hard to swallow, then again other hands, prodding him with needles.

And then from there it turned into being strapped to a metal table with Tsing’s face over his, a drill in her hand.

The feeling of it piercing his body, the pain unbearable.

He felt it now too.

It couldn’t have just been his head right? But why did it hurt so much? Why was there bolts of lightening shaking him every few seconds, why did it hurt so much?

“Dammit,Bellamy, you’ll hurt yourself.” he hears a voice and hands reaching out to pull his away but he won’t budge, he’s strong.

He’s always been strong.

Even Tsing admired his ability to fight against his restrains with gaping wounds in his body.

“Okay, I’m going to hug you to keep you from hurting your back okay?” he hears but he doesn’t register the words.

Tsing has never sounded so kind, so…worried? Why was the surface behind him hot instead of cold like the metal table? Why were his hands free?

He opens his eyes briefly and sees something green before him.

Takes him a moment to realize it’s grass.

Before he knows what’s happening a figure moves behind him and the next thing he knows, someone’s small but strong hands, wrap around him, his back is pushed to someone’s chest, someone’s hair tickles his neck.

“Shh, it’s okay.”

“I-”

It takes him a moment to realize it’s Clarke but he still doesn’t have the strength to turn his head and meet her eyes.

He feels weak, his body’s still shivering and she’s holding him like her life depends on it.

He stops struggling too badly against her and the pain lessens but he still has a hard time pulling air in.

“Just count with me okay? Let’s count together, how about that?” she whispers “Come on, Bellamy” she whispers “One” he shivers harder in her hands like someone dumped a bucket of cold water against him and he distinctly realizes that his clothes are soaked “Two, come on, do it with me”

“Three” he mumbles and he swears he can feel her smile behind him.

They count to 245 before he finally settles down, his body limp in her arms but she doesn’t loosen her embrace.

After, they just lay there, staring at the ground before them and the kids now playing in the water much like before in the distance.

“Us against the world again, princess.” he whispers, sparing a short glance at her only to find her looking at him with worry.

“You better?” he nods and closes his eyes.

“You can let go of me now.”

“I’m never letting go of you again, Bellamy.” she insists and he throws her a surprised look but says nothing else, only tightens her grip on him.

He moves his hand to cover hers briefly, testing if she’s okay with him doing that.

When her fingers wrap around his, he knows he won’t be able to move away from her any time soon either.

“How did you know what to do?” he whispers next.

“How do you think I pushed through panic attacks on my own in the forest for three months?” his hand tightens on hers and tears fill his eyes again.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” he says, trying to raise his voice just enough for her to hear this properly but it still comes out weak and hoarse “I’m so sorry you had to do this on your own…carry it on your own.”

Her other hand moves to his curls, burying her fingers and running them over in a soothing manner.

“It’s okay, I survived it.” she whispers back “So did you.”

“I’m not sure what just happened can be called surviving it, princess.”

“You came out the other side of it, didn’t you?”

“Only because you were here.” he admits shamefully, burying his head to his chest again but not pulling his hand away. “I guess I was wrong before”

“About what?”

“Maybe we can still be there for each other, despite all the guilt and pain.” he says carefully, afraid that if he says it just a bit louder, she’ll pull away and run for the forest.

She doesn’t.

“Maybe.” she says quietly but there’s hope in her voice which he hadn’t heard in a while.

He knows this doesn’t solve everything, that their hearts, their bones, their entire beings are still filled with pain.

That tomorrow, they may not have the strength to talk to each another like they are now.

That maybe it will hurt when he looks at her face again and realizes she hasn’t slept and she’ll avoid him because his limping would drag the guilt of her sending him into that damn mountain.

But maybe a few days after that, they would sit at dinner and enjoy the silence of their company.

And perhaps a few months from now, they can even come by the river, just the two of them and he can actually go in the water and not be afraid, knowing she’s right behind him.

Or maybe none of this would happen.

Bellamy decides not to think about it, choosing to just close his eyes and let himself fall deeper into her embrace and listen to her breathing fanning his curls and tickling his ear.

It couldn’t make all the darkness go away.

But it was enough to keep him afloat long enough to fight against it for another day.


End file.
